


That's Like, Three More Butts Than Usual

by wrenegay341



Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: F/F, Gay, M/M, Mean Girls, but also gay, sexy corn, specifically lesbian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 08:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 10,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20422769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrenegay341/pseuds/wrenegay341
Summary: yolo





	1. Chapterino Uno

TW for anxiety and a homophobic slur

Janis is breathing too fast. Her head is spinning and she feels light-headed. Her vision is tunneling. Words blur past her ears and at once also engulf her. Janis feels like screaming until her voice gives out, but she can't even whisper. Trying to give herself clarity, she punches the wall weakly. It doesn't work. She slides to the ground, whimpering softly. Her head is between her knees, being held by her hands. All of her muscles are tensed.

She is alone.

But she isn't, not really, not ever, because she will always, always have her memories. There are good, bad, and in between, but the negatives always stand out the most.

In her head, Janis hears her parents screaming at each other, remembers wanting to do anything to make it stop. But they don't stop. More memories now, of her mom missing Janis' first art show because she has to be at a divorce hearing, of her dad the day he left. Regina asking her if she was a lesbian with that look in her eyes. The look that says, "I know you're hiding something. I will find out what it is and destroy you with it." She hears "space dyke" on a loop, going faster and faster and faster. Every awkward moment, every panic, every exasperated sigh, absolutely everything.

And Janis can't stop them. These are the moments that will plague her mind for years. They annihilate every shred of happiness that Janis has ever had They make her utterly helpless, and she hates them. She hates them so much she sometimes wishes she could just forget everything.

A lot of the time, people become what they've been told they are for their whole lives. Janis has always been told that she's worthless, that nobody could ever love her.

What does that do to a person?

She hates it. She hates herself too much to be healthy, more than just a "God, I screwed that up. That's embarrassing." It's more of a "God, why can't I do anything right? I'm so fucking useless. If I died, only Damian and my mom and Holly would miss me. I'm pathetic. I'm stupid. Remember that time when you came out to a random person at a party and then had a panic attack? That was fun, wasn't it? Let's live that again. And again. And again."

Time to go to school.

*  
Cady is frozen again. Her heart is pounding. "Please no," she thinks. Now is certainly not the time for a, well, whatever this is.

She's known she was bi since she was 12, when she saw two women kissing and her brain thought, "Hey. You want to do that. But also, boys." She didn't really know what it was called until about six months later, when she got her own phone for the first time and used the private browser to google LGBTQ+ websites to try and figure out what she was feeling. She's had plenty of boy and girl crushes. Some of them she can talk to and be funny, and others she wouldn't go near if someone gave her a million dollars, for fear of blowing it with them.

She knows about homophobia. Cady doesn't really know her parents' opinion, because she's terrified of coming out. She has a few books with gay plots that she hides in the back of her bookshelf, and immediately deletes queer things from her YouTube and search histories. Once, she saw a play at the theatre with her parents, and she hid in the bathroom for fifteen minutes when a girl character started talking about wanting to kiss girls. A girl literally cuddled with her and played with her hair once, and she just froze. The worst part? She had been actively flirting with the girl for a few days, trying desperately to get her attention.

Anytime someone starts talking about sexuality, Cady freezes. She has internalized homophobia and anxiety. The combination of these two is more than she can stand sometimes. She is so, so sensitive when talking about LGBTQ+ matters. It's a problem, she knows. She has no one to talk to about this, either. Cady is so far in the closet that she's almost become an article of clothing.

All of this is running through her head as she walks through the doors of North Shore High on her first day of real school.

Thanks for reading the first chapter! (I know it's short, but I didn't feel like making it longer.)


	2. Chapter Deux

"But the real question is, what is the gayest sport?" Janis asks.  
"Theatre," Damian responds. "Duh."  
"Good evening folks, I'm Janis Sarkisian for North Shore News. The news this evening: local gay attests that theatre is the gayest sport."  
Damian bursts out laughing at Janis' "news reporter" voice.  
"Janis, have you listened to the news in your whole entire life? Who even talks like that?"  
Janis continues to do the voice and throws a carrot at him. "Gentleviewers, did you know that Bob Ross, Steve Irwin, Mr. Rogers, and Bill Nye are all a part of a conspiracy to..." her voice falters, frozen in a gay panic.

A girl has just walked into the cafeteria. She looks utterly helpless, like a child in a room full of cruel adults. Everything about the way she's dressed and holds herself screams that she's an outsider. Seriously, who wears a vest to high school?

"Damian, we need to save this one. Look how soft she is!"  
"Agreed. How could we ever refuse help to someone who wears flannel?"

Janis stands up and starts walking over to the girl, walking a little too quickly to be safe. She proceeds to fall on her face like a disaster gay. She winces inwardly. Everyone probably saw her. They're probably all laughing at her. Not the new girl, though.

"Oh my gosh! Are you okay?" The girl asks as she bends down to help Janis up with a couple people watching curiously. Damian hurries over, already sensing Janis' panic.  
"I think so."  
"Hi, I'm Cady Heron. I'm new in town, this is my first day of school here."  
"Cool. I'm Janis, that there is Damian, our resident disaster gay, aaaand nothing feels sprained or broken, so I'm just gonna stand up no-" Janis says as she tries to stand up and falls down yet another time.  
"Jan, just stop," Damian sighs, pulling Janis up easily, like this has happened many times before. All three of them walk over to Janis and Damian's table.

Okay, I'm just going to end it there, because I have no idea how to transition into my next bit. Thanks again for reading!


	3. Parte Drei

"You're, like, really pretty!"  
"Um, thank y-"  
"So you agree-"  
"Regina, shut the hell up. She doesn't need your toxic bullshit," Janis interjects.  
"Bye!" Karen says, waving back at Janis excitedly as Janis and Damian drag Cady away from the Plastics table. Cady halfheartedly waves back, thoroughly confused by this turn of events.  
"Cady, I'll tell you this now, just so you know: Regina George is, in a nutshell, a very bad person. She doesn't care about anything or anyone except herself. Her power may be tempting, but it is not worth it, believe me."  
"Okay Janis, I believe you," Cady says, pulling out her lunch, relaxing at Janis and Damian's table.  
"So, what brings you here, Cady?"  
"Well, um, it's a little difficult to explain," she replies, looking up from her meal to Damian.  
"My parents and I lived in Africa for a while. They're scientists, but they lost their funding, so we had to come back here to America."  
"Did you want to come back here?"  
"Yes! I've never been to a high school, so this is a completely new experience for me."  
"Do you know what Vine is though?" asks Janis, who seems emotionally invested in Cady's answer.  
"Yeah, I got whacked in the face by my fair share of them in Africa! They were really cool, but it's difficult to swing on them. Trust me, I've tried."  
Janis groans very loudly, and then remembers how many people are in the cafeteria.  
"Oh Cady, sweet, ignorant Cady, how could you betray us in such a way?" Damian sighs.  
"Did I answer wrong?"  
"A little. See, Vine was a website and app where people could post 6-second long videos. There were a lot of classic vines that were basically memes."  
"What's a meme?"  
Janis looks at Cady for a second to make sure she's serious.  
"Sweet Jesus," says Damian. "You need to hang out with us more."

*

"So...how was your first day of American high school? Did you make any new friends?"  
"Actually Mom, I met this really nice artist girl named Janis and her friend Damian! They were both so kind to me and I hope I can hang out with them sometime in the near future."  
"Honey, that's fantastic!"

*

Day 2 of NSH

"Wow, you're good at this!" Janis says, seeming surprised at at Cady's math skills. (AN:dare I say...schquillz??)  
"The numbers just make sense to me, I don't really know how to explain it. I love math."  
"Lucky," Janis says, throwing her pencil at Cady from across the table.  
"Hey Cady, do you like horror movies? We could watch one and hang out at my house sometime this week if you wanted to."  
"Well, I've never seen a horror movie, but that sounds great! I'll ask my mom. What day were you thinking of?"  
"How about Friday?" Janis asks. "I know I'll be free then. Damian, do you have rehearsal or anything?"  
"No, I don't have anything going on then. Cady, you?"  
"I should be good. I can't wait!"


	4. Apterchay Four

Cady jumps as the little girl on the television says, "They're here!"  
"This movie is ridiculous," Cady scoffs, trying to seem confident and completely unaffected by the terrors of Poltergeist.  
"You're extremely convincing, Cady."  
"Yas, Damian!"  
"Janis, don't encourage him to call me out on my obviously nonexistent fear!"

Cady jumps as a sudden shriek comes from the screen and falls off of Janis's couch. Janis and Damian both try to look concerned for a moment, and then burst out laughing. Cady makes an angry noise that sounds like a lion growling.

"You saw NOTHING!"  
"Mmhmm. Sure, Cady. Get back up here and join us in the land of the living people with popcorn."

*  
All is quiet now. Well, except for Damian's soft snoring, all is quiet. Cady stares at the ceiling, willing herself to stay awake. For all of her bluffing, she was scared by Poltergeist more than she'd like to admit, and she's not happily anticipating her dreams tonight. Her eye start to close. Cady realizes what's happening and her eyes shoot open.  
"Not this time, creepy ghost people!" she thinks, triumphant.

Suddenly, Cady hears a soft whimpering noise from across the room. It has to be Janis, because Damian is still snoring. He must be a rather deep sleeper, because Janis is getting louder.  
"No no no no no no no no no no no no no...Please don't, no! Please don't--no--stop stop stop stop stop..."  
Cady starts to unzip her sleeping bag as Janis's mutterings fluctuate in volume. She walks stealthily over Damian's section of floor, trying not to wake anyone up.  
"Who's there?" Damian murmurs. "I'll kill you all with my pierogi powers, I'll fight you all..."  
If the situation wasn't so serious, Cady would definitely record Damian threatening imaginary people with Polish dumplings. But she won't do that, not right now, because Janis is still going and what if she needs Cady or someone or something comforting?

At any rate, nothing will get better if Cady doesn't do something right now. She climbs over Damian, who's still talking about pierogis, and completes her walk across the room. Cady peers down at Janis's face.

Janis's eyes are tightly closed, as if she can block out her nightmares simply by not seeing them. Janis is saying the same words over and over again in varying intonations and intensity: please, no, stop, don't. Cady senses that Janis has had this nightmare countless times before, but still can't get it out of her head. Slowly, Cady crouches on the floor, trying not to wake Janis. She hears Janis take in a breath sharply before saying the words again and she freezes, not moving a muscle. Cady fumbled around blindly for a light, anything to help her see. She finds a small lamp and turns it on. Janis makes a small grumbling noise and opens her eyes a little, clearly still terrified. As Cady comes into her line of sight, Janis stiffens.  
"Hey, are you alright? You sounded like you were having a nightmare. Is there anything I can do to help you? Please, tell me."

You know what? I'm just going to end it there. Remember to drink plenty of school, stay in drugs, and get eight hours of milk.


	5. Big Ol' Chunk of Words (AKA Part 5)

"Please, Janis, let me help you," Cady pleads, desperate.  
"Cady?" Janis asks, clearly still disoriented and groggy.  
"Yeah?"  
"Fuck."  
"Janis, please, what's wrong?"  
"I can't tell you."  
"Okay. Is there anything I can do to help you?"  
"I'm really sorry if this sounds rude, and I'm guessing it does, but can you leave for like five minutes? I just...need some time. Please."  
"Of course! Um, I think you have my number, text me if you need something. I'll be back in around five minutes, okay?"  
"Thank you so much, Cady," Janis says as she goes back into her sleeping bag.  
Cady casts one last look at Janis before going out of the room, leaving Janis to mull over her feelings.  
Janis doesn't know how to articulate what she's feeling most of the time. Anger, happiness, sadness, embarrassment, love, it all blends together into one big mass of emotion. Janis has really enjoyed this night, because she was surrounded by friends and familiar things the whole time. But other times, like when Shane Oman shoves her into a locker or she gets insulted by a teacher, she shuts down emotionally. Everything just becomes a blur of irritation and holding back tears. Janis tries to block everything out sometimes or else she'll feel like crap for the rest of the day, and nothing can cheer her up, not Damian, not Friday the Thirteenth, not even cute pictures of dogs on the Internet.  
There are good days too, when the cute barista at Starbucks laughs at one of her deadpan jokes, she gets an A on a math test, and those days are when she feels like Julie Andrews at the beginning of The Sound of Music, running around and singing in the fresh mountain air.

The day she met Cady just happened to be one of those. That day is burned into her memory. It's one of a select few that have this honor. Something about the way Cady walked that day just went straight to her head, made her feel dizzy the whole day. It was like Janis got drunk every time she looked into Cady's eyes.  
Oh, Cady's eyes. Janis could write thousands of pages about them. How their color changed depending on what angle you looked at them from. Impossibly blue if you looked her directly in the eyes and yet pale blue if you looked at them from the side. Janis could write a sonnet for each fleck in those beautiful blue eyes.  
Janis could never paint a picture of Cady well enough to convey the way her hair shines in sunlight or how she always smells like lavender or her laugh that sounds like everything good in the world mixed together with a hint of lemongrass.  
Janis may not want to admit it, but she's a little in love with Cady Heron.


	6. Is This Actual Writing??? Guess We'll Find Out (The Answer's Probably No)

Cady waits patiently outside the door to Janis's room. Regardless of the night's events, her brain is telling her it wants to use the sleep as soon as possible. Trying to stay awake, she starts drumming her fingers on her left leg. Cady has found out over the years that keeping a steady rhythm is soothing. When the noise in her head is too loud, the rat-tat-tat of fingernails on wood always helps.  
Cady's worried about Janis. Try as she might, Cady can't get the image of a Janis that's literally afraid for her life out of her head.   
And Cady doesn't even know why.  
Even the soothing thought of cozy blankets, a good book, and a hot cup of tea isn't enough to ease her mind.  
"Maybe I should ask Damian about Janis," Cady thinks to herself, mulling over how to comfort her. "No, he wouldn't tell me. I'm too new, and he's to loyal to Janis. I could ask Janis about why she was having that nightmare, but it probably wouldn't go well. I could try sometime soon. I just don't want to hurt her by saying something that makes her feel terrible. I'll wait. I'll wait as long as she needs. I'll try to help her. I swear on my large collection of lion pictures that I will help Janis Sarkisian."

*

Janis shoots Cady a quick text saying that her brain has decided it wants to sleep and that Cady should feel free to come in anytime, but to please be quiet when she does. Almost immediately, Cady opens the door.

Not going to lie, I'm not sure what happened this chapter. I shall end it with my refrain of FIGHT ME.


	7. Should I Start Coming Up With Chapter Names? Probably

It's Saturday now  
Because  
I  
Am  
L a z y  
Deal with it if you want to

"Janis, no."  
"But Damian, just look at them! They're so cute!" Janis pleads, giving Damian the level ten puppy eyes.  
"Janis, babe, platonic love of my life, those are hand towels. I shouldn't have to remind you for the third time that you cannot adopt pieces of fabric."  
"Watch me," Janis says as she hurries towards the sales counter.  
"Janis please--" Damian shouts after her, trying not to attract the attention of other shoppers in the store.  
"Hi! How can I help you today? We have a great sale, if you're interested," says the smiling young man at the counter.  
"Hi! I was just wondering, can I adopt these beautiful hand towels. They're just the cutest little guys! Also, that nerd over there, my best friend, says that I can't adopt them, so I really want this. Is there anything you can do to help me with this?" Janis asks innocently.  
"Ma'am? Are you feeling alright?"  
"What are you, a cop? I just want to adopt these lovely towels!" Janis says, with the confidence of a thousand mediocre white men.  
"Well, ma'am, normally my answer would be no, but I'm not getting paid enough for this, so just take 'em."  
"Thank you so much!"  
"Whatever," sighs the salesman. Janis grabs the towels and quickly walks away, grinning at Damian the whole time. She spots Cady coming out of an Old Navy with a woman Janis assumes is her mom.  
"Cady, Cady, look at my marvelous towels! I just adopted them from the towel shop!" Janis calls, running towards the Herons.  
"Janis, for the last time, it's called the Bed, Bath, and Beyond outlet store, not the 'towel shop'," says Damian, exhausted.  
"Are you sure? Because I swear I saw a sign that said 'towel shop' there for a whole three weeks."  
"Janis, you put that sign there--"  
"SO, Cady, Mrs. Heron, how are you settling in here in Evanston?"  
"Pretty well, thank you. You must be Janis! Cady's told me a lot of great things about you," Mrs. Heron says, hugging Cady closer to her and holding out her hand so Janis can shake it.  
"Pleasure," Janis replies, still high on the triumph of her adoption.  
"And you are...Damian!" Mrs. Heron says brightly.  
"Guilty as charged, Mrs. Heron! Jan and I are so happy that Cady's in America," says Damian, trying to ruffle Cady's hair. Cady slips away and falls into Janis, who is completely blindsided and immediately topples. They land with a thud on the mall floor.  
"First of all, ow," Janis sighs as Cady shouts, "I'm okay!"


	8. Imagine Keira Knightley's Face But Upside Down

"Cady, did you actually try to grab Janis on the way down?" Damian asks, laughing. Mrs. Heron shoots him a dirty look as Janis stands up, slowly but surely. Janis offers her hand to Cady, who takes it without any hesitation (*cackles*).  
"Pff, no," Cady denies.  
"Oh, Cady, dear, I'm sorry to break this meeting short, but your father is stuck in the Nordstrom's dressing room and he needs us to bring him a very specific shirt," Mrs. Heron says, shifting her bags from one hand to the other so that she can text her husband. "It was so lovely to meet you all! Just tell me if you want to start doing movie nights and sleepovers, I'm sure Cady would love to! Right, Cady?"  
"Yeah, Mom, I can't wait! Bye Janis, bye Damian," Cady calls out as her mother hurries away.  
"Jan, how do you feel about Friday night movie nights? We could work our way through all of the Halloween movies," Damian teases.  
"I think...I think it's a good idea." Janis says, then utters a little shriek of surprise as Damian pulls her in for a patented Hubbard Bear Hug™.

*

"I came prepared this time!" Cady cries triumphantly, holding a sleeping bag, pajamas, and what seems to be a fistful of toothbrushes.  
"Cady, you know we have extra toothbrushes here, right?" Janis says.  
"I. Came. Prepared."  
"Sounds good to me!" Damian comments, a little too quickly. He scoots over on the Sarkisian's couch to make room for Cady and Janis, then turns on the first Halloween movie.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA YES I KNOW THAT I AM USING THE SLEEPOVERS AS UNNECESSARY PLOT DEVICES


	9. Actually, Scratch That, Imagine Adele's Face But Upside Down

Cady groans as her phone buzzes. She squints at the brightness, typing in her password and opening the message app. Cady was able to sleep, despite the looming threat of destruction via Michael Myers.  
Janis: cady h elo me plaese  
Janis: help  
Janis: can yo u come over here please  
Janis: im sorry to bother you  
Cady sits bolt upright as her tired eyes skip over the texts, time stamped two minutes ago. She wiggles out of her sleeping bag as fast as she can, desperately clawing her way out of it to reach Janis. Cady hurries across the room, hardly thinking, as her feet guide her along the path that they're already so well acquainted with.  
"Hey, Janis, I'm so sorry that I took so long. How are you?" Cady whispers.  
"I'm okay, it's just the nightmares. I got a little panicked," Janis forces out through tears.  
"Anything you need?"  
"Actually, kind of. But it sounds stupid," Janis warns.  
"I don't care, I'll do it."  
"Would you mind if I used you as a kind of stuffed animal? It's basically just me hugging you when I'm asleep."  
"Um--"  
"It's stupid, I'm sorry to even ask--"  
"No no no, it's fine. I'll do it," Cady says confidently.  
"Really?" Janis asks, incredulous.  
"Of course!"  
"It's an avocado...thanks."  
"What?"  
"It's a Vine, I'm sorry. I forgot you don't know them," Janis says sheepishly. She gestures to her sleeping bag and unzips it. Cady lies down, relaxing quickly. As she falls asleep, she feels Janis's arms around her, but it doesn't surprise her. In fact, it's ridiculously comfortable.


	10. A Single McDonald's Chicken Nugget

"Who's that? What? Who's she? Where are you? What're you doing here?" Damian says groggily, sleep slurring his words.  
"Damian, it's five o'clock in the morning. Too early," Janis mumbles, "for drunk toddlers."  
"I'm not a toddler!"  
"Babe, go back to sleep."  
"You're not the boss of me!" Damian says, putting his head down on the pillow and drifting off into a deep sleep.  
"Mmhmm, just keep telling yourself that."  
"Janis?" Cady groans, stretching and slowly waking up.  
"Yeah, Cady?"  
"What happened last night?" Cady asks, looking at Janis's arms, which are wrapped around her. Janis starts to pull them away, but Cady stops her.  
"No, I don't mind, you're like a space heater and I'm always cold here. I was just curious, that's all."  
"Well, I think I had a nightmare and I texted you to come over to my sleeping bag. Based on my own understanding and recollection of scared me, I probably asked you if I could use you as a teddy bear."  
"That does ring a bell," Cady murmurs, hugging Janis back and pulling the blankets over herself.  
"So, I guess that means in exchange for me using you as a teddy bear, you stole all the blankets! C'mon, blanket thief, spare me a nickel's worth of your finest covers!"  
"No, I say, I shall keep what I have rightfully stolen," Cady says, trying to make her voice deeper, which leads to a coughing fit. They both laugh for a bit, then Janis's face takes on a more serious expression.  
"I can't believe that it's only been, like, two weeks since we met, ya big math nerd," Janis whispers, pushing a strand of Cady's hair out of her eyes. Cady and Janis realize at the same moment how close their faces are.  
"Can I--"  
"May I--"  
"Yes--"  
"Yes!"  
They'll never remember who leaned in first, but Janis remembers how Cady tasted of lemon and fruit punch. Cady remembers the feel of Janis's hand tangled in her hair and how, in that moment, time seemed to stand still. If Janis concentrates, she can still smell lavender shampoo and feel her thumb along Cady's jawline, then Cady's cheek cupped in her hand.

Their first kiss makes the world stop spinning. It goes on for a while, only pausing when Cady or Janis need air, and yet it feels like it ends as suddenly as it began.  
They break apart slowly, neither girl wanting the magic to end.  
"Wow," Cady breathes, taking Janis's hand in hers.  
"Wow is right. But, Caddie, are you sure--"  
"Yes. Janis, um, I'm...bisexual."  
"Well, I'm as straight as a circle. We match!"  
Cady breathes out slowly, her brain still processing everything from the last day as a half. Janis squeezes Cady's hand reassuringly, letting the tension drain out of her body.  
"Who wants waffles?" Janis's mom shouts from the top of the stairs, waffle platter in hand.


	11. Cat Towers Are Not A Good Band-Aid Substitute, According To Most "Doctors"

"These are great, Ms. Sarkisian! I can't remember the last time I had waffles."  
"Why, thank you, Cady. Oh, that reminds me, I was going to ask if there was anything special going on at school tomorrow! I thought I heard something about a dance."  
"I don't think there's a dance, Mom. Damian, is anything happening?"  
"I'm not a newspaper, do not treat me as such! And no, nothing's happening at North Shore tomorrow."  
"Oh, okay! Well, have fun! I left a casserole in the fridge, don't forget to heat it up. Oh! Tell Holly goodbye for me when she wakes up, and don't forget to set your alarm and put all your books in your backpack tonight. Cady, your mom's okay with you spending the weekend here, right?"  
"Yeah, mostly because she's so happy that I have actual friends now!"  
"Well, that's...nice?"

*

"Hey Janis, can you come to the bathroom with me and help me fix my lipstick?"  
"Cady, your lipstick looks fine--"  
"Please, Janis?" Cady pleads.  
"Sure, why not?" Janis says as Cady pulls her into the bathroom.  
"What was this about your lipstick--mmph!" Janis says, muffled when Cady pins her against the wall.  
"I, for one, did not see that coming! Maybe a little warning next time?"  
"Nope! Only surprise kisses for you, forever and ever," Cady murmurs, attempting to dance with Janis in the relatively small space.  
"I can work with surprise kisses, I think."  
They giggle as Cady loses her balance, taking Janis down in her fall onto the toilet seat. Janis stares into her eyes for a moment, then hastily brushes her lips against Cady's, still navigating uncharted territory. Cady smiles softly and tilts Janis's head down so their lips can meet.  
"So, Caddie, huh?"  
"I'm going with it."  
"Your heart is beating really fast, are you alright?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just that there's this breathtakingly beautiful girl in close proximity and she keeps kissing me," Janis says with a wide grin.  
"Should we stop soon? Damian's probably getting suspicious by now."  
"Let him suspect, we'll only be a few minutes."  
They relax in the silence, intertwining their hands.  
"Janis, are you and Cady okay? You've been in there for a while," Damian calls, concerned.  
"Yeah, we're good, and we'll be out in just a second," Janis shouts back.  
"Hey Janis, do you think we should tell Damian? I mean, obviously not if it makes you uncomfortable but--"  
"Cady, you're absolutely right," Janis says, taking Cady's hand in hers. "Are you ready?"  
"Yes," Cady says, opening the bathroom door.


	12. Fact: Elephants Are Just Expanded Hippos

"Do you think we should stop him? He's been running through the house with Holly on his back for over ten minutes," Cady says, slightly concerned for Damian's health.  
"Well, I don't think he's getting tired out, and Holly seems to be having a blast. I knew Damian was going to be excited, but I didn't think he would be this excited," Janis replies.  
"Yeah, if I'd known that he'd shout, 'TEAM CADNIS FOR THE WIN' over and over and practically tackle us when we told him, I would have worn a helmet."  
"I think Damian will get tired eventually. Want a grilled cheese?"  
"Pff, yeah!"

*

On the way to North Shore, Mrs. Heron makes small talk with Janis and Damian. She's too busy looking at the road and their faces, however, to see how close Cady and Janis's legs are. Damian makes sure to keep Mrs. Heron's eyes away from the two girls the whole way. She's also unaware of their hands touching the whole way, saying more than any amount of words could.

*

As they walk through the school doors, Janis moves slightly away from Cady. Not much. Just enough to let her know that they aren't safe here.  
"Hi, golf ball!" Karen says, almost shouting from across the hallway, head in a locker. Cady, Damian, and Janis all slow down, almost stopping.  
"Sorry, what?" Cady asks, confused.  
"Your name is a golf thing, right? Caddy?"  
"First of all, no. My name is Cady. Second, why is your head in a locker?"  
"What do you mean? I'm staring right at you, aren't I?"  
"Karen, that's a mirror placed inside the locker," Janis sighs, verbally and internally facepalming.  
"Mm, I don't know about that," Karen says, wagging her finger at Locker Mirror Janis.  
"Okay," Janis says, slowly pulling Cady and Damian away.


	13. Chap. 13

"Breathe, Janis, breathe. I know it's hard, but try to take a deep breath, please."  
Janis can't exactly answer, as she's hyperventilating on the girl's bathroom floor. She clung to Cady's hand the whole way to the bathroom, stumbling and barely able to stay conscious.  
Fortunately, Cady and Damian realized what was happening so that they could escape from history class in time. The teacher was watching ESPN and eating pizza, so it wasn't too difficult.  
Damian wasn't able to go to the bathroom with Cady because just as he was about to walk in, a female teacher walked in front of them to get a drink. She gave Damian, who was holding the door open, the stink eye.  
Because of this, Janis is blacking out a little faster. The floor feels cold against her skin, so she tries to use it as a kind of anchor. Cady is helping too, by reminding Janis that there's someone with her. It's not enough. Janis draws in a few final gasps, mouth open in a silent scream, then she falls weakly onto the floor, still breathing quick, shallow breaths. Cady swears under her breath, then shifts Janis into her arms.  
It takes all of her strength to stand up and carry Janis's dead weight, but Cady manages somehow. She staggers to the doorway, and sees Damian outside.  
"Nurse! Now. Run if you have to, you'll get there ahead of me," Cady says urgently. Damian takes one look at Janis and takes off.  
The nurse is ready when they get there. She quickly assesses Janis's condition and gets Cady to let go of her. The nurse lays Janis on the floor and begins doing CPR, and, after a few moments, Janis opens her eyes and coughs faintly.  
"What is your name?"  
"Janis Sarkisian..."  
"What do you last remember?"  
"Uh, wondering where Damian was. And thinking about how dirty the school's bathroom floor is."

*  
Koo koo kachoo koo koo kachoo I am the 

Words man


	14. Damian Is Literally So Extra

TW for several homophobic slurs and anxiety attack (? I'm not sure what to call it.)

"Jan,what's up with you?"  
"I'm fine, Damian."  
"Really? Because I know one nurse and a disaster bisexual who would say otherwise."  
"Damian, I'm fine."  
"Jan, please, tell me what's wrong."  
"Nothing!"  
"Fine!"  
"Fine!"  
"This doesn't have to happen, Janis," Damian says as he storms out.  
"Good riddance!" Janis mutters. She tries to rearrange her pastels, but keeps glancing at her phone, wanting Damian back, even though they both know that she's too stubborn to call.  
Nothing works. The phone sits there, daring Janis to give up.  
"I won't!"  
She doesn't have to. The phone starts buzzing wildly, flashing for a call from 'Dame Judi Dench 💃👚🌈'. Janis practically dives onto the phone, fumbling for the 'accept call' button.  
"Damian! I'm so sorry-"  
"Jan."  
"Yeah?"  
"We're cool."

*

Queer.  
Gay.  
Fairy.  
Dyke.

The words keep cycling through Cady's head, getting louder and louder the more Cady tries to silence them. Her heart feels like it's trying to jump out of her chest. Cady flails around, trying to control herself. She doesn't care if she destroys herself, so long as no one else gets hurt. At least Cady's alone so nobody other than her can witness her humiliation.

It was supposed to be a fun movie night. It was a Frank Capra movie, which Damian had voted for because of his love for It's A Wonderful Life. He couldn't have known that it would cause this. Cady had been reminded of a young adult book with a fight scene near the end.

The connection was slim, probably one that only Cady could make. That doesn't matter now. She'd left as soon as the movie ended, barely managing to contain the explosion within until she locked her bedroom door. Cady started shaking, thinking of how a boy was beaten senseless in the story, provoked into fighting by an accusation of being gay.

That could be her.

Odds are that it will never be, but the chance still exists, no matter how small. Cady can't get out. She visualizes the scenario against her will, overheating and seeing black spots. A face appears in her mind's eye, trying to remind her that she's not alone. The face urges her onward, giving her mental stamina. The face kind of looks like Janis. Cady listens to it, remembering kittens and Beethoven and sunsets.

Mm mm noPE


	15. OoHWeEeoOh

"In light of our new AP class program, we've decided to bring on some new staff! Everyone, meet your new history teacher, Ms. Alana Sanderson. Say hi," Mr. Duvall introduces, motioning to a short young woman in the front of the classroom.  
"Hi," the class says unenthusiastically.  
"Good luck," he mutters, walking out quickly.  
"Hello, class! I'm going to start off with roll call, so raise your hand or something when I call your name," Ms. Sanderson announces, unfolding a paper.  
"Danielle Devita?"  
"Present."  
"Shane Oman?"  
"Wazzup, baby?"  
"Hard pass. Karen Smith?"  
"Who said that?" Karen asks.  
"Me, your teacher."  
"Hi!"  
"Okay. Gretchen Wieners?"  
"Here! Your hair looks nice," Gretchen says, hoping to find something that she can use to get on Ms. Sanderson's good side.  
"Not falling for that one, but thanks anyway. Damian Hubbard?"  
"Here, queer, and ready to die."  
"Janis Sarkisian?"  
Janis groans loudly as a response, head firmly attached to her arms.  
"And last but not least, Cady Heron," Ms. Sanderson says, pronouncing Cady's name correctly.  
"You said my name right!"  
"Yeah, because it's like Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Duh. Am I the first one or something?"  
"Yes, actually."  
"People are dumb."  
"I'll high five that."  
"Yes!"  
*

"What is a Mesopotamia?" Janis asks, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she stumbles out of the class alongside Cady and Damian.  
"Janis, no," Cady says, handing Janis several papers about the material that she slept through.  
"It's a song, right?" Damian interjects.  
"Damian, you were awake during the whole class. How are you this wrong?"  
"It's a gift."  
"I applaud thee, my fairest Lord Hubbard," Janis mumbles, slumping into his arms.  
"My utmost thanks, Lady Sarkisian."

Look mom, no hands


	16. Hmmph

"Janis, tell me everything you know about the goths."  
"First of all, Damian, I have never been a "goth", second, it is completely unfair to assume that I know stuff about them."  
"Janis, your eyeliner is goals and you listen to a lot of emo music, which makes you a goth in my eyes."  
"That is so incorrect it hurts, but whatever. I'll help you. What do you want to know? And why? You've never been interested in this before."  
"My life has changed, Janis!"  
"You met a guy."  
"Yesterday at the record shop--I swear on the grave of Liberace that he is the most beautiful person I've ever seen and he SMIRKED AT ME ONCE and I think his name is Hal or something but I'm not sure and I NEED TO KNOW JANIS and he got three MCR albums and AHHHHH..." Damian shouts, spiraling towards the end into a wordless smile, obviously in blissful imagining.  
"We have a record shop in Evanston?"  
"How is that all you got from that? Yes, it's on the outskirts of town, and it smells like bad incense."  
"Do you want to go this Saturday and try to find him again? I can ask Caddie if she wants to go, if she's feeling better by then. She's been a little under the weather for a couple days."  
"I love you."  
"Love you too, Dame. Ready for lunch?"  
"We shall face the crowd."

*

"Janis, I'm dying."  
"Aw, poor baby. Is there any ginger ale or Sprite at your house? When I was feeling sick, my mom would always give me Sprite and saltine crackers. Side note, Damian is obsessed with a guy that supposedly smirked at him in a record shop."  
"Uh, I think there's something that I can find. Also, we have a record shop?"  
"That's what I said! Anyway, Damian and I are going to go this Saturday to look for the mystery guy. Do you think you'll be feeling well enough to go with us? We can play the records at my house."  
"Ooh, like a double date? That sounds perfect! I'll let you know if I'm feeling better soon, I guess. I hope I can go," Cady says, hanging up and ending the phone call. She slowly heads downstairs and grabs a can of soda and a packet of saltine crackers.

*

That's all for today folks please enjoy and get ready for Saturday wooo


	17. *goat noises* Part One

"How did you even find this place?" asks Cady, clinging to Janis but somehow managing to stay glued to the car window.  
"I drive around on Saturdays when I'm bored. It's an inspired thing."  
"Since when?" Janis exclaims. "How did I not know about this?"  
"Since I got my car, and for your information, I kept it from you because I like stealth."  
"Damian, you're the clumsiest person I know--"  
"Won't you look at that! We're already here," Damian says, braking the car a little too roughly. Janis lurches forward into the driver's seat, and Cady's face takes on a slightly green hue as she's pulled along.  
As Janis helps Cady out of the car, Damian looks for the mystery guy. Seeing no sign of him outside, he drags Janis into the small building, Cady in tow.  
The first thing they notice is the smell of bad incense.  
"Hey, Dame, you sure were right about the smell," Cady says, becoming more nauseous the stronger it gets.  
The second thing they notice is the wallpaper, or lack thereof. The small ceilings and haphazard arrangement of record shelves make it difficult to move around. There appears to be a cash register in the back, buried amongst some old 45 records. From what they can see, the shop is deserted. As an added bonus, the records don't seem to be in any kind of discernible order.  
"I love it," Janis sighs, dancing down one of the aisles.  
"Where could he be?" Damian asks to himself. "Hm, he might be in one of the side rooms. Hey Cady, Janis, I'll be back soon. Try and find something you like!"  
"Okay," they sigh in unison.  
"Caddie, Caddie, look! A copy of The Wall, and it's only five dollars!" Janis shrieks, gesturing wildly to an album.  
"Why does a wall cost five dollars?" Cady asks, somewhat drunkenly.  
"Not a wall, The Wall! It's an album by Pink Floyd, it's said to be one of the greatest concept albums of all time."  
"Are they the prism guys?"  
"Yes, they're the prism guys."  
"Hey, they have Beatles stuff! Janis, do you remember the time when I singlehandedly performed the entirety of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band?"  
"That was really something, babe."  
"Babe?"  
"Oh, I'm sorry, are you not comfortable...I'm sorry--"  
"No, no, I like it, I've just never been called babe before. Side note, can we go outside? The incense is making me queasy."  
"Yeah, sounds good to me! I'll just go pay for these," Janis says, pointing to the records. She shuffles through the towers of clutter and puts a ten-dollar bill into the cash register.  
As Cady and Janis walk outside, Damian is searching for...Mystery Guy.

Note: The saga will continue in...*goat noises* Part Two.


	18. *goat noises* Part Two

"He's gotta be here somewhere," Damian mutters to himself, slowly making his way through the mess. "Or maybe that isn't really his car in the parking lot, and you're just being a wistful and a delusional gay."  
This internal struggle goes on for several minutes as Damian continues looking. As he rounds the corner into the final room, he sees what he never expected.  
A black hoodie and blue hair.  
The boy is turned around, so luckily, he doesn't see Damian's face. Damian stifles a gasp and quickly backs out of the room.  
"Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit..."  
"Hello?" the boy asks, turning around with a curious look on his face. "Is someone there?"  
Damian tries to make his hair look a little nicer as he walks in.  
"Uh, yeah, that was, that was me, sorry. I didn't mean to, uh, scare you or anything."  
"Nah, you didn't scare me. Have we met before? You look familiar."  
"Maybe you were here when I was the other day?"  
"Oh, yeah, you're the guy who kept asking the owner if they had any 'decent show tunes, not this Anything Goes filth'. Weren't you?"  
Damian blushes. "Guilty as charged. Oh wait, you're the emo guy, aren't you?" he asks, feigning ignorance.  
"Well, my friends usually call me Callum, but I guess 'emo guy' works too. Actually, if you're not too busy this Saturday evening, my friend Joey's band is performing here. They're okay, but Joey really wanted me to hand out flyers and stuff, you know, spread the word around. You interested?"  
"There's room for a band in this place? I mean, duh, of course I'll come!"  
"Well, apparently, there's some weird thing that the owner installed where the shelves can--nevermind, it's too boring to explain--"  
"No, no, tell me all about the cool shelves," Damian says a little too quickly.  
"Alrighty then," Callum laughs. "According to Joey, they have some kind of retractable shelves, so there'll be more space. Oh, I'm really glad you're coming! See you then," he says, brushing past Damian and leaving the shop. Damian sits down heavily, smiling wide.

*

"Guess who's busy Saturday night!"  
"Damian, did you really get a date?"  
"Well, no, but he'll be there, at least," Damian says, buckling his seatbelt.  
"Good for you, bud," Janis says, high fiving him. "Ready to head back? It's movie night."  
"Let's get this show on the road! You know what, to celebrate today's minor success, let's get pizza too!" Damian announces, pulling out of the parking lot.  
"Three cheers for Dame!" Cady shouts from the backseat.

Hoop hop

Höôraye


	19. A Loose Bag of Dimes

IT'S SLEEPOVER TIME FIGHT ME

"Damian, that was some weird shit," Janis says, stretching. This wakes Cady up, as Janis's arm was around her. She makes a small noise.  
"I knew it! Cady was asleep, you faker! Also, Janis, don't you dare insult Beetlejuice, aka one of the best films Tim Burton's ever made," exclaims an offended Damian.  
"Hey, now, I'm not saying I didn't like it. It was a great movie, and I would have said that even if Winona Ryder wasn't in it--no offense, Caddie--even though she was awesome in it."  
"None taken, I guess. I'm not really sure what we're talking about, but I do agree that Winona Ryder is pretty hot," Cady says, unzipping their sleeping bag.

*

"Cady? You okay?" Janis asks, concerned. "It's like, three in the morning."  
Cady doesn't respond, but Janis can tell that she's awake. And that something's not right.  
"Hey, look at me, Cads," Janis whispers as she pushes Cady's hair back. Cady whimpers, petrified.  
"You're shaking like a leaf. C'mon, please. Tell me what's wrong."  
"Don't touch me!" Cady whisper-shouts. She pushes Janis away roughly with a jerky movement and sits bolt upright. She looks like she's disassociating.  
"I'm--I'm sorry--I--I just..." Cady trails off, trying to relax next to Janis.  
"Hey, it's okay, honey. Nobody's going to hurt you. Shh, just breathe."  
"I--I should have--should have t-told you soon--sooner..."  
"Told me what?"  
"I get these--I don't know what they're called--things where it's, it's like, um, I'm kind of just over--overwhelmed. Like, you know how--how sometimes at a party the music is too loud and--and the lights are t--too bright and there's too many people? That's, that's what it's like, but I'm not--not at--at a party. And then, as if that's not enough, with it comes these bad memories, and then I just--I just feel the anxiety closing in on me. It's kind of a lot."  
"Oh, Caddie. I'm so sorry, I know exactly what you mean. I feel like this is in bad taste, but...twinsies?"  
Cady chuckles bitterly. "I guess you could say that. Can we--can we just...talk about this later?"  
"Of course."  
Cady relaxes further after a few minutes, still scared, but a bit better. Janis thinks about what Cady just told her, reflecting on how many times Cady's comforted her while going through the exact same thing. She lies awake in the darkness, listening to Cady's breathing get slower and slower.  
Janis lies awake all night listening to that steady sound.

Alright


	20. *rapid yodeling*

Cady is still next to Janis and breathing steadily in the morning, to Janis's relief.  
"Ugh, school starts again on Monday," Cady groans, pulling the covers over her head.  
"I know, it's a tragedy. Damian, your opinion?" Janis calls.  
Damian makes a combination of noises somewhat resembling the battle cry of a silverback gorilla and the growl of a Rottweiler.  
"I would say that sums it up pretty well."  
"Hey, Dame," the Cady blanket lump says. "Isn't that guy's concert tonight?"  
"I forgot! How did I forget? I need to get ready--it isn't his band, it's his friend's--wait, do either of you remember what genre they play? No? I need to...what are you looking at me that way for?" he says, already frantic in his preparations.  
"Nothing," Cady and Janis say in unison. Damian ignores them and grabs his keys.  
*

"What is the band called again?" Damian shouts over the music to Cal.  
"Honestly? They haven't decided on an actual name yet," Cal shouts back, making an attempt at dancing.  
"Cool!"  
"What?" Cal shouts.  
"I said, cool!"  
"Oh! The bass is so loud, I can hardly hear myself think."  
"I can feel it in my whole body, almost," Damian says loudly, moving in time to the music.  
"C'mere," Cal yells, pulling Damian closer to him.  
Damian gulps nervously. They're a little too close, the music a little too fast. The hot air is suffocating him.  
"Can we go outside for a bit? I'm sorry, this is a bit overwhelming," Damian says breathlessly, drops of sweat beginning to form on his face.  
"Yeah, of course. I know just what you mean." Cal makes his way through the crowd, using his not-so-broad shoulders to force his way through the crowd. He grabs Damian's hand, "for protection," he says.  
"Sure," Damian chuckles. Hopefully, Cal won't notice how badly his hands are shaking.  
"Listen, I know this is awfully forward of me, but do you want to grab coffee sometime soon? With me, I mean," Cal stammers.  
"Um, yeah, I mean, yes!"  
"Don't take this the wrong way, but I gotta go now."  
"See you lat--"  
"Bye," Cal says, dropping Damian's hand and practically sprinting to his car. Damian leans against a wall, watching the car peel out of the parking lot with a screech.  
"Now, what am I supposed to think about that?" Damian wonders. He pulls out his phone, texts Janis the good news. About ten minutes after the text sends, "Beloved Art Gay (Of the Disaster Variety)" calls.  
"Damian, holy shit!"  
"What took you so long?" he teases.  
"Oh, Cady and I were making out," she deadpans.  
"Janis!" Damian hears Cady say from the other end.  
"Not a bad Saturday, my dudes. I'm on my way back now."  
"See ya soon, you lucky gay."

*

Oops. It's been a minute.


	21. Operation Codename: The Devil Wears Prego

Homophobic slur right off the bat

"The dykes are back, everyone!" Janis and Cady hear as they walk through the door, Damian in tow. Cady stiffens.  
Regina is at the front of the crowd, the two other Plastics not far behind her. Janis can almost see the pitchfork in her hands, waiting to spur on the angry villagers.  
"So, how was your gaycation? Spend a lot of time crying with each other about how you're so misunderstood and hated in our tiny ignorant town?"  
"We were literally gone for two days, Regina. Two. Did you miss us that much?"  
"As if! By the way, have you heard about the senior prank this year?"  
"Seeing as neither you or I am a senior, I think you know what my answer is."  
"Good."  
"Well, that's encouraging. Have fun being a bitch, I'm going to go learn about some old-ass rocks," Janis says breezily, turning her back on Regina.  
"Jan, no," Cady sighs. "They're called the Olmec stone head statues."  
"Old. Ass. Rocks," Janis replies, turning around one last time to give Regina the bird before she rounds the corner. As soon as Damian gives them the signal that they're clear, Janis slumps against Cady. All the confidence goes out of her like a deflating balloon.  
"Why are they like this?" she asks, resigned.  
"I don't know, Jan. Some people just hate anyone they can. It sucks ass," Cady says, rubbing the spot between Janis's shoulder blades where she knows tension gathers.  
"I have an idea," Damian announces. "You know that movie with Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada?"  
"Yeah, I think so. Is that the one where Catwoman is terrorized by Donna Sheridan and also Mary Poppins is there?" Cady asks vaguely.  
"That's a rough outline, but yes. So, in this situation--and I hate to compare a bitch like Regina to Queen Meryl--Regina is diabolical Donna Sheridan."  
"Okay...where is this going?" Janis wonders, earning a huff of impatience from Damian.  
"That's the inspiration for the title of our mission to humiliate Regina George: The Devil Wears Prego."  
"What does this entail?"  
"We, the gay squad, are going to pour 87 jars of Prego tomato sauce on her at Spring Fling."  
Janis shrieks in delight, but Cady looks hesitant.  
"Isn't that what happens in Carrie?" she questions, a trace of fear in her eyes.  
"Relax, Cads, that only happens in Stephen King stuff."  
"So, are we all in to devastate the queen bee on her own turf?"  
"Yes!"  
"Sounds great to me--so long as there's no pig blood in the sauce."  
"Not a problem, babe," Janis says.  
"Then let us commence Operation The Devil Wears Prego!"

wOW


	22. Spring Fling Snafu

"Why does pasta sauce cost so much money?" Damian asks the cashier.  
"Do you, like, want a coupon or something?"  
"That would be fantastic!" he shouts, hugging the tired-looking woman.  
"Damian, don't attack the nice lady," Janis sighs, pulling his arms off her.  
"It's just...coupons are the fucking bomb, I can't even."  
"Here you go, sir. 90 jars of Prego for forty dollars. Do you need an extra cart?"  
"Janis, Cady, do you guys have a twenty? And yeah, thanks!"  
Cady hands him some money, then asks, "Hey, amazing cashier lady, if anyone wants to know if we were here, can you tell them no?"  
"You got it, kiddo."  
As they exit the store, Janis gives Damian a look and says, "90? I thought we were only getting 87."  
Damian shrugs as he unlocks the car. "My family is making spaghetti this weekend."  
*

It's here. The most important night of the year for the majority of the North Shore High student body has finally arrived.  
And only five people know what's going to happen tonight.  
Cady was able to convince Ms. Norbury to help because according to Ms. Norbury, Regina "throws pencils at my whiteboard every day and also calls me a fugly witch who will be eternally single." Aaron decided to help because a) he was bored and b) he also hates Regina.  
Karen is also going to help, although she doesn't know it. Aaron's told her to whisper six words in Regina's ear: "Girl, you should totes do that!"  
The plan is to have Regina win Spring Fling Queen--as usual--and then dump sauce on her during the acceptance speech. There may be a couple of flaws, but it should work out.  
It's going to go perfectly. It has to.

*

"And the winner is...Regina George! Ugh," the announcer says as the intercom squeals with unexpected feedback.  
Regina mounts the stairs eagerly with her cohorts, grinning crazily.  
"Oh my god, is she, like, drunk or something?" Cady stage-whispers to Janis. Regina scowls in their general direction, whipping around to see who would dare make such a rude comment.  
"First of all, I'd like to thank my besties, Karen and, um, Gerta?" Regina asks cheerily, not noticing Gretchen's quickly hidden expression of hurt. "And also my mom, not because she's cool, because she's not. It's 'cause she gives me all of her People magazines and Botox packs."  
Janis and Cady tune out the rest of the speech, pushing through the crowd to meet Damian backstage.  
Ms. Norbury walks onstage, completely oblivious to her interruption of the Queen Bee.  
"Um, excuse me, janitors aren't allowed on during my speech," Regina says nastily, giving Ms. Norbury a shallow smile.  
"Actually, I'm your algebra teacher, and I don't want to do this either. The principal said I have to get you to pull some kind of Spring Fling Queen and King Bell," Ms. Norbury shoots back, pointing to the hastily-constructed bell that Damian made right after the group's shopping trip. She makes her exit, not pursued by a bear.  
Little does Regina know, that when she pulls the rope to ring the bell, the contents of 87 jars of Prego are going to cascade down into her perfectly tousled hair and ridiculous dress.  
Regina, suspecting a trap, turns to the other Plastics. Gretchen shrugs passive-aggressively, still angry about the Gerta incident. Regina looks at Karen, who leans in and says the magic words. After a moment of deliberation, Regina nods, looking for Aaron (as he's been voted the Spring Fling King). He comes out of the audience, being the perfect gentleman and escorting Regina to the bell. Damian, Cady, Janis, and Ms. Norbury let out a collective breath from their niche backstage.  
Aaron keeps Regina in place gently but firmly, so that she doesn't move out of the way before the sauce reaches her. Aaron ought to have quick enough reflexes to avoid the Prego, although he's already said he doesn't mind getting his suit dirty so long as he gets to humiliate Regina in front of the whole school.  
Cady moves forward a few inches, squeezing Janis and Damian's hands tightly.  
And...  
She falls for it like a stupid idiot. Regina pulls the rope as hard as she can.  
It's truly glorious.  
Janis thinks, "If this was a scene in a movie, it would be in slow-mo, and Regina would fall like she's been shot."  
Horror dawns on Regina's face. She screams. Aaron nimbly sidesteps while keeping her in place. The Prego gang starts to run through the crowd. Kevin Gnapoor shouts, "Rip vine!" Gretchen is filled with glee as the river of Prego comes pouring down. A bird in Bangladesh flies for the first time. Regina screams, "This dress is Givenchy!"  
The sauce, evidently, does not care. A bright blob of red comes down onto the Queen Bee, drenching her. Regina makes a horrifying sound somewhat akin to a bubonic plague-infected werewolf run through a wringer whilst on crack. In a nutshell, it's the worst noise anyone has ever heard.  
The Prego gang takes off before anyone can catch them.

*  
I hope you liked the second-to-last chapter of That's Like, Three More Butts Than Usual!


	23. oof ouch the water is hot

The Prego Gang is not in great shape, physically.  
Only Aaron is still running after thirty seconds, a far cry from Janis, who is currently flopping down on the concrete, gasping like a dying fish, and humming the Rocky theme music. Damian (because of all the high kicks he does) and Cady (because she spent a lot of time running away from lions in Kenya) are--barely--managing to keep up.  
"Well, I promised Cady's parents I would get her home by 10:33, intact and sober," Janis says.  
"That's it?" Cady pouts, wrapping her arms around Janis's neck and giving Damian puppy eyes.  
"I mean, I guess so," Damian sighs. "Cal said he would drop by my place pretty soon and help me with my guitar playing--he's helping me learn--"  
"Aw, man, you guys are pretty cute together," Aaron says. "I think. Wait, does this guy even exist, or did you make up a fantasy guy?"  
"Cal is a real person," Janis remarks.  
"Yeah, he's a real...." Cady says, flopping onto Janis and nearly knocking her over.  
"I need to take this sleepy gnome back to her house."  
"I am two inches shorter than you!"  
"You guys should go," Aaron says, turning to walk back to his car.

*

"That was fun," Cady says, slightly more awake after Janis buckles her in.  
"Eh, it was okay," Janis sighs, turning the key in the ignition and pulling onto the street.  
"What do you mean? We humiliated Regina, who you hate."  
"Yeah, but somehow, pouring buckets of tomato sauce on your enemy is t that rewarding. Like, she probably spent a ton of money that she doesn't need just to get ready for this meaningless dance, only to have it all wasted. I don't know, it just seems like we could have done better, you know?"  
"I guess I get it. Well, at least we won't get caught."  
"Janis?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I know we haven't known each other for that long, and we're still pretty young, but I think we really have something here. And...I'm going to come out to my parents. You don't have to be there, and I won't tell them about us if you don't want me to. I just wanted you to know."  
"Cady, that's probably the hottest thing you've ever said to me."  
"So, you're proud of me? That's what I'm going to take from that."  
"Yes, very. You're fucking amazing, Cady Marie Lisbet Heron. Tell them as much as you want."  
Cady pumps her fist, then something occurs to her.  
"Hey, technically, it's prom night. Wanna fulfill every sappy cliché and make out for a long time in the backseat of your mother's car?"  
"So much, you have no idea," Janis says, quickly unbuckling her seat belt and opening the door for Cady.

*

"Damian, you're almost there," Cal says. Damian's brow is furrowed in frustration as he tries to make his fingers go in their proper places with enough pressure.  
"Eh, I'm just not getting it right now," Damian sighs, putting the guitar on the floor. The sudden movement makes his bed squeak.  
"Oh, hey, I meant to ask you something," Damian says, turning towards Cal.  
"What is it?"  
"Why did you leave so suddenly at your friend's gig? I wasn't being too repulsive, was I?"  
"No, not at all," Cal laughs. "My mom is doing dialysis, and while she was there, she had me go check on the dogs."  
"Oh, okay, that's a lot less mysterious than I thought it would be."  
"Sorry to disappoint," Cal jokes, giving a mock bow. Damian smacks his arm a little too hard. So hard, in fact, that Cal falls off the bed with a loud thump.  
"Everything okay up there?" Damian's mom shouts.  
"Yes, we're fine, Ms. Hubbard!" Cal calls back from the floor. "Here, Damian, help me back up."  
Damian grabs his hand, and using the same strength that put Cal on the ground, returns him to the bed.  
Cal doesn't let go of Damian's hand. Damian looks up, unfortunately, straight into Cal's eyes. The space between them wasn't much to begin with, but this narrows it to less than a foot. Damian's eyes flick down to Cal's lips and he leans in. So does Cal.

*

"I just don't...understand!" Regina wails, wiping off her already-smeared makeup. She's taken off her trainwreck of a dress and gotten into an old t-shirt and sweatpants, with Karen and Gretchen's help.  
"Why does everyone hate me so much? I never did anything to them!"  
"Probably 'cause you're a bitch, Regina," Gretchen says.  
"What did you just say to me, Gyroscope?"  
"First of all, my name is Gretchen. You've literally known me for seven years. Second, I said you're a bitch. Because you most certainly are. All you want is power that won't even last. And you know how you get it? By being cruel and cowardly. Karen and I are leaving, have fun by yourself, you useless hag."  
"I never liked you anyway!" Regina cries pathetically.  
"See you tomorrow, Ryan!" Karen says, giving Gretchen a bear hug to pull her away from Regina.

*

Ms. Norbury sits alone in her tiny apartment. The microwave (her sole cooking appliance) dings, signaling that her Hot Pocket is ready. She wearily stands up to grab her meager meal.  
After she finishes, she goes to her tiny bed and turns on the television. The local news station is normally dull, so the reporters take any news they can get. Tonight, it's the disaster at North Shore High's Annual Spring Fling.  
Ms. Norbury smiles a little, then fluffs her pillow (it irritates her sore neck).  
Rarely does she get to pull one over on a pretentious student, but tonight truly was a triumph.  
She thinks about the students she's had in the ten years she taught at North Shore. Of all of them, Cady was probably the brightest, Damian was the most happy-go-lucky, and Janis...well, Janis was certainly a character. Maybe next year's students will be stupid, but at least--  
The peppy news reporter interrupts her train of thought, saying that, "Although several people have been implicated by the victim, Regina George, none of her wild accusations have been taken seriously, so it looks like whoever did it won't get caught for the 'sauce situation,' as it has been referred to by North Shore's principal."  
Ms. Norbury sighs a little in relief, then promptly falls asleep and begins snoring softly.

*

There you go, you cement, dirt, and glue-lickers. That's the end of this large piece of words! There will be an author's note where I shout about this some more, but, other than that, you're free to go.


	24. Farewell (AKA the Author's Note)

Note: This story was originally published on my Wattpad account, SpaceCat341 (which explains the context for parts of the author's note as well as the reason why all 24 chapters were uploaded at once).

Uh oh.

Oh my god. Did you actually, like, read all those words I wrote?

Oof. There's a lot of them, props to you.

Anyway, thanks for reading this and sticking with me through these--was it really months?

Your comments and support through this (my first, but hopefully not last) story have been truly wonderful. Thanks a gazillion for everything.

Sincerely,  
Your resident pile of garbage <3

Peace out!


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